The New York Geekcast

First, they came for Rollerball and I did not speak out because I was not a fan…

Then they came for The Pink Panther and I did not speak out because I was not a fan…

Then they came for The Karate Kid and I got mildly annoyed, because I was a fan…

Then they came for Total Recall and… DEAR GOD PLEASE NO!!

Noooooo!!!

I tried to doubt it. Hell I only found one site reporting it. And then another. And another. Oh dear god, this is really happening…

Yes, friends, Len Wiseman, auteur of such fine works as “Live Free or Die Hard” and the “Underworld” series, is set to direct a remake of Total Recall (aka the greatest film ever made… possibly).

Yes, you read that right.

For those not in the know, Total Recall is a 1990 film, directed by Paul Verhoeven (Robocop, Starship Troopers) based on a Phillip K. Dick story (We Can Remember It For You Wholesale, 1966). It stars Arnold Schwarzenegger as Douglas Quaid, a man who has dreams of going to Mars. Well, he ends up going to Rekall Inc., a company specializing in completely customizable vacations where all the memories of the trip are implanted into your brain, and decides to take a “vacation” to Mars. That’s when the fun starts. If you haven’t seen it, go now and watch it. If you don’t own it, buy it.

Not only does it hold up really well over time, unlike…say…Running Man, Arnold’s performance is surprisingly convincing, the supporting cast is amazing and the special effects are mind blowing.

All in all, one of my favorite movies.

But, then, here comes Sony Pictures, with the full intent of destroying everything I love I’m sure, who decides to give the property, which is incredibly dense and layered, to a novice director who’s claim to fame is making bad action films. This is insanity.

Don’t go see the remake. Please. Let’s just all make a deal, right now. Let’s just all, from now on, never go see another remake again. It’s not hard. I haven’t seen one in years. You can do it. I believe in you.

Start the reactor.

-Dan

* The title is a pun brought to you by my brother, Gabe Pinto.